Cross culture problem for my family

Canada Immigration Forum (discussion group)


 
       
Subject: Cross culture problem for my family
  I want to ask you guys some question, welcome sharing too.
Basically I have no idea about these topics, and may have no relationship with timeline, applying process.

I want to share my situation right now. I am Chinese boy just finished degree last year over Malaspina university-college at Nanaimo, B.C. I had a girlfriend name Stephanie and she is a Canadian. We have already dated about one year and half. She has a daughter, PS: not my daughter.

We knew each other in a party. And I asked her for my gf when we hang out in PNE over helllevator. (Sharon, you know what?s that, if you go to PNE when you are a kid)
Anyway, don?t wanna talk too details, Nanaimo girls are so nice and honesty, they are perfect!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Right now, I have full-time job in Nanaimo, waiting for AOR, no problem on daily living. Making about 2500 a month including my own business. Not sure if I gonna immigrate to Canada or not. I didn?t put my girlfriend on skilled worker stuff, because at that time, I don?t know if I will have long-term relationship with Stephan or not.

The question is not about immigration stuff; I swear I don?t care if I have to wait several years or under scan bullshit. I am worry about our future.

Did anybody of you, I mean guy, had Canadian (Caucasian) girl friend and actually become a family at the end? It seems we have lots of barrier, not from ourself, but from family. However, I do know, I LOVE STEPHANIE AND SHE LOVES ME!

Her family is kind of rich; own some business in the east. They live in Ontario, just come to Nanaimo for winter, and Stephanie loves Nanaimo, stays here for university.

We went to her family?s house yesterday. We actually wanna tell Stephanie?s family about our future stuff, like engagement. Her parents look down upon me when I told them how much do I made annually. I still remember her mom told me,? you guys are both young, you guys future is not certain. And you are from different background, your future is not certain too. Stephanie may not be certain and she is too young too.?
Actually her family kicked her out and don?t pay her tuition fee anymore after She became single mother two years ago, long story~~~gee.

I mean it?s 2005, do you think it?s still arrange marriage period?
My girlfriend Stephanie is not happy today, don?t wanna talk to me, just wanna by herself. Her mom phone me today again and told me they actually wanna move back to Ontario next month not after Stephanie done her degree, tell me to give up.

My family back to China strongly disagrees with my relationship because of their traditional view towards wife cannot be something like single mother with kid. I knew they gonna piss off, however, somehow my relatives over Richmond actually told my mom, I drove my girlfriend?s daughter to daycare everyday, and bring to Stanley park quite often, just like a father, faint!!! Anyway they live in China, I don?t care, should not be big problem, just need explain a little bid.

The question is over my girlfriend?s family. Yep, I do live in Canada for a long time; however, have no experiences about engagement, family stuff, and those traditional families?s idea to daughter.

However, anyway, I am not going to give up, just break up with Stephanie. Even though she asked me to leave her alone. Don?t know what a hell her mother told her.

My friends some of them told me, ? ok, it?s over, it?s over, wake up, they gonna go back to the east, it?s gone!?

Maybe I should care less about others, however, I am not sure if it?s good for Stephanie.
Anyway, welcome discussion and sharing, if you guys want. I gonna wait here.

Thank you everybody.




















[04-02-2005,00:25]
Yijie
(in reply to: Cross culture problem for my family)
Hi brother,
May this chinese new year bring luck for u and your family back hone in china.

[04-02-2005,00:36]
Harish
(in reply to: Cross culture problem for my family)
thanks Harish, where are you right now? Canada?
do you celebrate Chinese new year too?

[04-02-2005,01:16]
Yijie
Yijie.. (in reply to: Cross culture problem for my family)
You are such a drama queen... If you are making up this story beause you want to immigrate to canada you may be better off trying something else!!!
You´ll be fine...allwhat Canada cares about is the money you paid on your application. As long as you´re not a crimila you´ll be fine.. Trust me!!!

[04-02-2005,01:58]
[**.69.255.236]
Focky
(in reply to: Cross culture problem for my family)
Come on, I applied under skilled worker, I didn´t even write down my gf´s name, because even do so, would not help me to get more points, I already have 10 points at the end.

Do you think I am making up story?damn ! It´s not about immigration problem, dude! I don´t care if I can immigrate to Canada or not! I am telling you, I just wanna a stable family.

[04-02-2005,02:23]
[***.25.33.23]
Yijie
(in reply to: Cross culture problem for my family)
Yes I do celebrate.
[04-02-2005,02:48]
[***.95.87.80]
Harish
(in reply to: Cross culture problem for my family)
we have 2 mixed marriages in my family. the first one was many years ago and was considered scandalous.(chinese/white) the more recent, was matter of fact.(indian/white). Recently, the Vancouver Sun reported that 50% of all relationships in the Lower Mainland under the age of 35 are mixed race. We go to school together, we hang out together, we have fun together... it is also reasonable to expect that we will fall in love too.

There is no possible way your families will understand our crazy world. It is not easy - but somehow couples find a way to create a new culture of their own. We have seen on this forum situations where there have been arranged marriages that have gone very wrong because parents and children are living light years apart in experience and expectation. This is the quiet world of immigration that we rarely talk about.

You ultimately have made a big choice in your life to leave your home country. Having 2 sides of the family be resistant is hard, but not insurmountable. Ultimately, the question must be about whether the two of you have the committment and resolve to stand together and fight for your relationship - come what may. Remember there is an innocent little girl that needs a stable family.

Parents are to be respected, but the cannot live your life for you. If you are ever going to find a place where a mixed marriage is supported and accepted - Canada is the place.


[04-02-2005,13:21]
[***.81.114.40]
sharon
(in reply to: Cross culture problem for my family)
wow, Sharon, you are great! I just keep reading your reply for several times, this is far valuable than any other argument
[04-02-2005,13:45]
[**.66.78.119]
Yijie
(in reply to: Cross culture problem for my family)
Dude... what are you talking about...

its 2005... and yes there are still arrange marriages...a nd they work absolutly fine...

anyways comign to your point... its a simple choice between your girlfriend and you... if you guys see a stable future for both of you and you see a meaning to this relationship then yes by all means go ahead... but if you are going double minded on this one.. then its better you split right now then later...

Later... it will be tough...

Remember one thing... you guys have to live the life and not your parents... they are already enjoying their life in their own ways...

you say that your girlfriend´s parents are not paying for her anymore after she became a single mother... then with what authority are they saying that she should not keep a relation with you... It doesnt seem to make a sense to me...

I mean.. support 100% or 0%... tell them face to face and get an answer...
if you leave this topic as it is and get more confused then your GF´s parents will brainwahs her and you will loose her forever... I´ve seen a few cases of that...

anyways... book your tickets for jerry springer show and may be you guys can get something worked out...



[04-02-2005,14:04]
[**.146.142.1]
Anonymous
2 distinct issues (in reply to: Cross culture problem for my family)
Yijie... a little more from me.

you have 2 issues. the first is the issue of race, culture, family expectations etc. Those are not likely to change any time soon. (my mother eventually got over the fact that my niece could not find a nice white boy but it took her a while - eventually she fell in love with the guy and now treats him like a prince). I digress. This issue is one where you have to simply decide if you want to live in resistance with your families. There is nothing to prove, or persuade. They will either come around, or they will not.

The second issue, is more universal. It is the concern of all families that the couple is ready and able to form a strong family. Are you both responsible, stable, committed, established enough to keep the boat afloat. It does not matter what culture... parents worry about those things- for good reason. They are the building blocks of a successful relationship. If those are the concerns you face, the only solution is to prove yourselves.

Promise not to laugh. I married for the first time when I was 19. Horrors for my family. We were broke, he was going to university, I was working and my mother watched and waited every day for it to fall apart. 17 years later we parted company to my mothers words ´I told you so´. Time and relationships have passed and I am now embarking on a relationship equally frightening for my mother. Mixed race, religion and a significant age difference. Now, remember I am well established adult here and my mother is still lighting her hair on fire. (see the picture).

My point...only you and Stephanie can decide what is good for you and whether you have the guts to face a future together- with or without family support. Stephanie must come to terms with a family that is manipulating her future. That is between her and her parents. all you can do is be there for her.

[04-02-2005,14:20]
[***.81.114.40]
sharon
(in reply to: Cross culture problem for my family)
I feel my story is becoming a , kidding~~
Sorry for I didn??t explain details about that story. Last year, my gf and her family´s relationship is getting better when her family came back to Nanaimo from Ontario this winter. Ps: you guys probably have a clue why cities like Powell River, Nanaimo, and Courtney have so many single mothers, just because of migrated people come here for winter.

My gf sometimes goes back to her family??s vacation ranch in Nanaimo on weekend for dinner. My girlfriend and her parents live separate. They don??t really financially support her anymore, however maybe pay her tuition fee or not, I don??t know. What I know is they are still my gf??s parents. They knew we are dating for quite a while. When we are talking about serious long-term commitment stuff, then this makes things sensitive.

However, anyway, I will try to talk to my girlfriend and see what??s going on, really serious talk. Damn it, it??s all because I am too poor to own house. If I have a house and PR (Buffalo too slow, almost gonna ruin my future family in Canada, well, that??s the way it is), I am probably fine.

No PR, no mortgage, only cash purchase. Even your income is far enough. That??s true, which broker gonna believe you can stay in Canada for a while instead of running away without payment?

Lucky, my girlfriend actually doesn??t really care what kind of place we will live. Last week, we checked out a ranch was for sale, it??s beside huge lake called green lake in Nanaimo, you can see deer, and all kinds of birds over there. I really pictured that??s my future home with my girlfriend and her daughter. Anyway even she is not my kid, I treat her like my own kid too, no wonder.

We are all adult and we know what the hell is happening these days. Her parents are nice people too; we need time, that??s it. God bless us.

Ps: I tried to go to watch Ash lee Simpson in Feb 26th over Vancouver with my girlfriend. She said Ash lee is just attractive, nothing really interesting, rather go to watch stripper than Ash lee.

thanks everybody, your support gave me big help. appreciate

[04-02-2005,14:42]
[**.66.78.119]
Yijie
(in reply to: Cross culture problem for my family)
don´t beat yourself up. home ownership comes with time. Renting is not a crime. get yourself landed and established. See what happens with her family. Solve one issue together at a time.
[04-02-2005,14:49]
[***.81.114.40]
sharon