question for Kavita

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Subject: question for Kavita
  you have obvious first hand experience helping your loved one adjust to a new life in Canada. You are right about how much easier it must be to have someone provide instant stability and to assist through the adjustment period. Just the fact of leaving your family all behind must be a huge issue. Can you give me any advice? My fiance should be here within months. His language skills are OK but he will need ESL classes so his english does not become a barrier to good employement (he is fluent in french but will be landing in BC). He is skilled and eager to learn. I know you must have anticipated your partners adjustment, but did you have any surprises or did he have struggles in areas you never expected?

I would appreciate your insight.

[29-03-2005,17:02]
[***.20.170.23]
sharon
(in reply to: question for Kavita)
Absolutely Sharon. In fact, I have thought of you often over the last few weeks - because I see that you mention how eager you are to have your man here. I know that you are not actually sponsoring him as I have been following your posts quietly for awhile. However, he is still going to be quite dependant on you - and although you are not legally responsible for his well-being, just observing the type of person you seem to be, you will still feel responsible for him to a large extent.

What I can say is that although you can try to prepare for all the emotions that are involved, you can´t totally prepare. In fact, I would say that this totally threw me for a loop and after the initial few days of honeymooning, reality hit and I realized that I´m really his entire support system here in Canada. I even did a lot of research on culture shock and all the stages and although it helped me prepare a bit more and understand him more, for certain things, first hand experience is the only teacher. I love the man and I know that we´ll make a go of it for sure as we got married for all the right reasons with total family involvement and approval. My family even had him and his family privately investigated before the wedding took place. He went through a total interrogation with my family members as well - in fact my mom said that if it was her in his shoes, she would have said it´s not worth it. My parents told me the day before I got married in India that it wasn´t too late to back out if I wasn´t absolutely sure...the point is that even if someone would have told me what the challenges would be, I wouldn´t have believed them because I would have thought that love alone will help us prevail over everything.

Having said all of that though Sharon, I must tell you that anyone´s adjustment anywhere is 90% dependent on their attitude and willingness to adjust. You can´t adjust for your fiance and I can´t for my husband. All you can do is be supportive and VERY patient. Not only that, understand that for the first little while - you´ll have to give in a lot.

I lived on my own for several years before my husband moved here. That was probably the biggest shock to the system I´d say - having someone in my space and in my house. I´m a total clean freak and he´s clean but not wacko like me. I´ve had to relax a bit and realize that the newspaper he has strewn over the living room floor is actually a good thing - he´s trying to learn about what makes news in Canada. I´ve had to train him to clean up after himself because there is no maid living with us (which he does quite well but not like I do...anyway....:-)) I´m having to chill out a bit and he´s having to put up with my analness a bit...I´ve realized that nagging and trying to control what he does because I want to protect him will only shake his confidence - this is not a good thing. So I´m trying to let him be himself and when appropriate give him guidance about our cultural norms here. He´s a grown man with years of experience and success in other countries and he does things differently.

I´m not sure I´ve given you what you needed Sharon, but please feel free to ask me specific questions. If you´d like you can even e-mail me or call me.

[29-03-2005,18:35]
[***.109.34.92]
Kavita
(in reply to: question for Kavita)
thank you... it is exactly what I am looking for. your personal situation sounds very familiar :) I would love to talk with you off the board.
[29-03-2005,18:48]
[***.20.170.23]
sharon
(in reply to: question for Kavita)
Hi Sharon, I e-mailed you just now using your radiant.net e-mail address I saw posted on this forum today.
[29-03-2005,19:18]
[***.109.34.92]
Kavita
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